WHAT DO WE VALUE?

When parents of teenagers get together these days, there's a common theme to the conversations: "I've given these kids everything and they don't appreciate it. They just expect it!"

One of the biggest issues plaguing our culture today is entitlement. We may think that the problem is our kids, but we must first take a good look at the part we play in causing this mindset in the first place.

We are an affluent culture: hard working, fast moving and wanting the very best for our children. The question is: what do we really value? Often the homes where our children grow up resemble an annex of Toys R' Us, with all of the latest gadgets and gizmos strewn everywhere.

Parents usually spend a lot of time picking up these toys and putting them away, frustrated that their kids don't take better care of the stuff. But, why would they? They didn't ask for it, work for it or pay for it. The stuff just keeps showing up.

A good way to address this problem with little ones is to say after dinner some night: "By bedtime tonight, please pick up all the toys you'd like to keep." That's it. No reminders. No warnings. No urging. That night, after the bedtime stories have been read and the children are nestled in their beds, mom and dad can gleefully play "anti Santa" and pick up all of the forgotten toys. These are placed in large trash bags and stored on a high shelf in a closet or garage.

The next day is when the surprise comes. Almost all parents find that their children don't miss the toys or ask for them back. The bags sit on the shelf and the parents begin to realize who was actually attached to them in the first place.

This is where it begins, but not where it ends. As our children grow, we continue to want to give them things to show our love and to share the wealth that we work so hard to acquire. But we must have the wisdom to also give them the gifts that we truly value: gifts like hard work, commitment and service, rather than just the ones we can go out and buy. If we give them everything for nothing, they will continue to expect this kind of treatment throughout their life.

When our teenager says: "Well, I'm sixteen, where's my car," we're shocked and angry. We want to know, "where did this selfish kid come from?"

That's a good question.

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PARENTING BEYOND FEAR

There are plenty of things for parents to be afraid of these days. It seems that snipers, terrorists, kidnappers and deviants are waiting behind every tree in every neighborhood, just waiting to hurt our kids. Is there any place that's safe anymore? What can we do to protect our children from the dangers that seem to be increasing every day?

Parents wonder why the job of raising kids seems to have gotten so difficult. In the Love and Logic workshop I usually ask this question the first night: "How many of you spent most of your free time outside without your parents when you were in elementary school?" Every hand goes up. Then I ask: "How many of you are comfortable letting your kids play outside without you being right there?" Every hand stays down.

Isn't that sad? In one generation we've become so fearful of each other that we no longer feel confident to let our children walk to school or go outside to play in their own neighborhood. Crime rates have been steadily dropping over the last decade and we have created scores of technological gadgets to protect ourselves and our homes, yet fear seems to have us in its grip and it won't let go. For parents, the thought of sending children out into this world unprotected is just unthinkable.

How can we face this fear, move beyond it, and keep from passing it on to our kids? We aren't helpless here. There are some things that we can do to keep ourselves safe and still fully participate in life.

Limit media. Here's a thing I've noticed over the years: the news is always bad. With all of the news programs on all the channels there's a lot of space to fill, and to get people's attention there must be a compelling story. Bad things that have happened or the imminent danger that's headed for your neighborhood hook anxious parents into tuning in to the latest installment of today's tragedy.

When you start and end your day with the news, you will be in a state of crisis all of the time. There's always something bad going on somewhere, but there's no rule that says you have to make it the central theme in your family room. If you want your life to be less stressful and fearful, try this: turn off your television and see if it makes a difference in how you feel about the world.

Establish rituals. There are some good reasons why rituals are important in our lives. They make us feel safe and give us a sense of being a part of something that's solid and important. Let your children know that your family is solid and important. A ritual can be as simple as a prayer before family meals or a Sunday drive to a place you've never been before. An affirmative prayer before bedtime is a great way of letting our kids know that we believe that God is still alive in the world and that things are going to be all right.

Know your Neighbors. One of the best ways to feel safer where you live is to get to know the people that live around you. When the front porch was replaced by the automatic garage door opener we gave up our greatest form of real security: relationship. Make sure that your neighbors know your kids and that you know their kids. You may not have religion, politics or ethnic background in common, but it's in your common interest to know each other.

Build community. A community is more than a collection of houses under a common architectural committee. Schools, churches, scout troops and sports teams are all valuable components of a neighborhood. Look for ways that you can step into a position of responsibility and make a difference in the lives of not only your children but the children of your neighbors.

Parents are always going to have to live with a certain amount of fear about the dangers facing their children. Our ancestors had to contend with wild animals carrying off their children if they strayed too far from the hearth. Were they living in a greater state of fear than we are?

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PUSHING AGAINST FIRM BOUNDARIES

Recently, a woman in a parenting workshop expressed a problem I have heard many times from parents who are struggling with their toddlers. "When my husband and I had our first child," she said. "We never wanted him to hear the word no. We changed our language and did a lot of distracting and diverting of his attention so that we wouldn't have to tell him no. Now we have a four-year-old with absolutely no boundaries and he's impossible to live with. What should we do?"

First of all, we have to decide if we think healthy boundaries are a good thing for children to have. We often confuse our desire to encourage a free spirit of creativity with giving a kid an open license to be a brat. A proper response to authority is crucial to a person who must become a part of society.

The relationship between toddlers and their parents lays the foundation for most future moral behavior. Children learn how a loving authority figure operates by watching their parents. Setting firm boundaries on toddlers gives us the opportunity to continuously move these boundaries out as our children grow. If we try to shrink boundaries when our kids reach adolescence we are in for a battle.

I heard the boundary concept explained this way once. Imagine waking up in total darkness. You're sitting in a chair, but it is impossible for you to tell where you are. After overcoming your fears, you would eventually have to move off the chair and begin searching about in your new, unfamiliar, surroundings. What would you be looking for?

You would be looking for boundaries. Where am I? Where does this space end? Are there danger spots? What can I count on here that's solid? Will I fall if I go too far in this direction?

This is what our toddlers are doing during their time of "autonomy and independence" that is often called "the terrible twos." They are searching for something solid to push against; something they can count on that will not fall no matter how hard they push. And this what we, as parents, must provide for them. In this magical time of early childhood, when the urge for exploration is so strong, we can give our children a priceless gift by providing them consistent, loving boundaries. We are telling them: "Here is a safe place for you to operate. I will treat you with respect, and it is my expectation that you will treat me with respect as well."

Thomas Edison said "Restlessness is discontent, and discontent is the first necessity of progress." Restlessness is an important aspect of human nature, and toddlers bring a powerful mixture of restlessness and discontent into a home. They want to get moving and see what's around the next corner, they want to know what's inside all of the cupboards, and they want to know what they can get away with.

Ironically, teenagers look at the world in much the same way. The cupboards they are peeking into are different and the things they are trying to get away with have changed, but the impulse to explore and be autonomous is much the same. That's why we have to remember that there are only two kinds of kids: teenagers, and those that are going to become teenagers. When we are dealing with our toddlers, we are laying the foundation for a relationship that will last as long as parent and child are alive. If a respect for healthy boundaries is a cornerstone of this relationship, the rest of the building process will go a lot more smoothly.

One of the most common areas of questions during a Love and Logic parenting workshop concerns the "timeout" issue. When should a toddler be put into a timeout area and for how long? How much explanation is necessary for a child to understand why they were put into timeout? What kind of a message are we delivering when we send a child to their room for being disrespectful? Are we damaging their self-esteem?

Dr. Foster Cline, co-author of Parenting With Love and Logic, puts it this way. "When a loving parent puts a child into timeout for being disrespectful, they are teaching them a very valuable lesson: "When I act like a jerk people don't want to be around me." We either learn this from loving parents or our first spouse, but eventually everybody learns that one."

We don't come to earth with an understanding of healthy boundaries. A child gets the impression during their first year or two that they are the center of the universe, and that the rest of life revolves around them. Loving parents are the most qualified and the best equipped to set their toddlers straight on this one, while the price tag is just a little bedroom time.

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PARENTING IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS

It was autumn of 1836 when American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote his first essay, Nature, about the timeless connection between the natural world and the human spirit. He was inspired, no doubt, by the rugged, colorful countryside surrounding his New England home. A love for nature runs through all of Emerson's writings like a deep, slow moving river whose course is determined by a hand greater than man's.

Emerson had his hands around a concept that is rapidly slipping through our fingers now. That nature is a teacher with great wisdom to impart and that our job is not to subdue or protect ourselves from it, but to enjoy its beauty and learn what we can of its secrets. For our children, nature is sadly becoming a phenomenon that they learn about by sitting down and looking at images on a screen.

In the six-week Love and Logic parenting workshop that I facilitate there are invariably many questions about modern entertainment media: television, movies, video games, computers, and the Internet. At some point, I always ask this question of the parents in attendance: "How many of you spent most of your free time outdoors when you were in elementary school?" Every hand goes up.

Then I ask: "How many of you feel comfortable letting your kids play outside without your supervision." Almost every hand stays down.

This is the change we have undergone in our culture in just one generation. Most of us had to be almost dragged inside by our parents for meals. Outside was a place of childhood freedom, complete with games of all description, tree houses, tadpoles, kites, forts and friends. The bicycle was the preferred mode of transportation, allowing any healthy youngster a wide range of social interaction and plenty of exercise. Most of all, outdoors was simply more interesting than indoors. There really wasn't any compelling reason for a kid to go indoors before dark even 15 or 20 years ago.

It appears that this is no longer true. It's an indoor world now, filled with amazing gadgets and entertainment options that make a bike ride to visit a nearby friend seem like a fairly boring idea. Driven by a combination of fear and technology, we now convert our homes into electronic fortresses in an attempt to protect ourselves from nature and our neighbors. Think of it. We drive down the streets of our natural world in our armored personnel carriers (we call them SUVs or mini vans), with our tactical communicators (we call them cell phones) until we can safely return to our fortress and raise the drawbridge (we call it an automatic garage door) to keep our family safe from harm.

Meanwhile, inside the fortress, the home entertainment center is the focus of attention. Children spend much of their time during their formative growth years looking at screens, either being entertained by high quality children's videos or feverishly running through mazes that were created by computer programmers. Even if they win the video game, it's only because the game is set up to let them win. The same videos and games are played until boredom sets in and it's time for a new thrill. Where does creativity come into play here?

I hear many parents complain about how hard it is to raise kids in the modern world. "My kids won't listen," they say. Or, "My kids don't seem to care about school." "Someone ought to do something about all of the garbage on the Internet." "My kids don't appreciate all the things they have." "There are no good role models for young people these days."

All of these things may be true, but the most important thing to remember, as parents, is that our children are living in our homes and we are providing the most important role model they will ever have. The great thing about televisions and computers is that they all come with "off" switches. Use this powerful function as often as possible. Give your kids an opportunity to connect with the natural world. Take them camping. Go to the park. Walk around the block with them. The classic dismissal to "go fly a kite" isn't such a bad idea.

Emerson had to struggle through his entire childhood without a Nintendo. Somehow, he made it. Biographer Andrew J. George describes Emerson's home this way: "It was a home of plain living and high thinking, in which intelligence, courage, thrift and industry were mellowed and sanctified by deep religious conviction."

How would you describe your home?

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TEENS TOO SOON?

Since the beginning of time parents have remarked, " I can't believe how fast these kids grow up!" The journey from toddler to adolescent is a blur of activity for a family, and it seems that the young ones are leaving their dolls and toy trucks behind and starting to think about other things before we know it.

And today it seems faster than ever. Our media-driven culture gives our kids a world of information whether they're ready for it or not, and by the age of ten or so we have a youngster in our home that's already concerned about being hot, cool, up or down depending on the style of the day. Emotions run high, relationship dramas starts to take center stage and parents wonder, "who are you and what have you done with my child?"

There are a number of factors that contribute to this acceleration in the race to grow up. Media is the most obvious of course. Movies, television, video games, MTV, music and teen magazines are all competing for the teen market and the younger kids are swept along in the tide. Because parents are afraid to let their kids go outside to play when they're growing up, they spend more time than ever in front of screens watching a virtual version of their culture rather than creating it.

Girls go into puberty sooner now. Whether it's the hormones in the milk, the additives in the food or something in the air and water, it's a fact that what used to happen at 14 or so now often happens at ten or eleven. Are they ready for this incredible change? Most girls are not, and this can be a very stressful time for both parents and kids.

Information travels faster all the time. Things have always been changing, but the rate of change has increased to light speed. With the popularity of the Internet and 24/7 programming on the tube, fads come and go in a hurry, leaving kids with the feeling that they've seen it all. And they have certainly seen a lot.

What can parents do during this time to take care of themselves and help their kids make it through this perilous journey towards becoming men and women? First of all, don't panic! This is a natural part of life, it just came upon you a lot faster than you ever thought it would. There are lots of books out now about this phenomenon (Reviving Ophelia, Teen Proofing , Get Out of My Life, But First Would You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall) and it would help to get some more information for yourself.

Stay involved. Your kids might act like they don't want you in their life anymore, but they need you more than ever and limits and boundaries make kids feel safe and secure. Get to know their friends and their friends' parents. This will be tougher as time goes on but well worth the effort.

Ask questions. This is not about interrogating your kids about their activities, but just keeping in contact and showing them that you care. It's best to do this when both parent and child are in the "thinking state" and not in the emotional state. Even adolescents slip into the thinking state from time to time, and wise parents recognize these moments and savor them. When you're angry with your adolescent, disengage as quickly as possible and come back to it later. We don't usually come up with brilliant loving things to say when we're angry.

Enjoy the ride. Parenting is more than a tough job, it's an important relationship that lasts as long as parent and child are alive. Adolescence is only part of it, like toddlerhood. Remember when you thought your child would never be potty trained or learn to brush their own teeth? This is the same kid.